I want my paid account back :(

So I called my mom on my break between classes and totally freaked out today. It was about money again but apparently that's what I'm freaking out about lately.

I have tow jobs. I have two jobs and I have twelve hours of class plus homework a week. I sleep about five hours or less a night to get all of this stuff done. I've been skipping school to go to work because I am so financially fucked right now. Because I'm actually earning money this semester, my OSAP installment next semester will likely be less than originally estimated but I can't not work, not at this point.

I didn't get the loan, I have to talk to my dad about it I guess. I know he doesn't want to co-sign for me but I don't think I have any other choice. I have two phonebills waiting for me at home right now, and I have rent and and and...

I can't survive financially with my brother and sister acting like such leeches, I just can't. But I can't let them starve and live in a ditch underneath a piece of cardboard.

I still don't know what to do :/

my black ink is low. I have three essays due in the next two weeks and no money to buy more.

what the fuck is this?

Thanks to so_sceneahhh, I have a new layout! I'm a fail boat and i ruined everything, but she fixed it because she's super. Add her graphics community, consider_thesea if you love VersaEmerge!

my paid account expires soon. This makes me sad. :'(

Leave me a comment asking and I will respond by asking you five questions that satisfy my curiosity. Update your journal with the answers to the questions, including this in the post.

My questions were given to me by ironhide

1) If I paid for it would you ever hide my initials in one of your tattoos?
2) Have you ever broken a bone?
3) How many pillows do you sleep with?
4) Favorite serial killer?
5) What's the most you would ever pay to see a concert?

( answers under the cut )

Thanks to the awe3some (yes the 3 is necessary) orestria I have the tshirt below coming in the mail.

Okay so Christmas isn't quite a month away but it's close to that and I want to get all of you something. Now obviously I can't do that, which makes me upset but I can MAKE you something, or write you something or whatever. So, if you want something that's makeable (even paintable) or writeable, please leave me with your requests here.

I am also going to list makeable things that I want for Christmas that don't involve any money.

1. New Layout. Cab themed, VersaEmerge themed, Lady Gaga themed... or just ask me and I can tell you what I like
2. new mood theme: cab preferably, featuring all of their current and past members. Or VersaEmerge. I am in so much love with that band!
3. Icons!
4. Fic.

that is all <3333

I'm supposed to be writing an essay right now but the terribleness that was last night is too important not to document. I will start this retelling with a statement of gargantuan proportions:

I am allergic to lemons.

Now, this fact came to a shock to me but the more I thought about it, the more sense it actually made. I don't drink lemonade, I don't eat lemon pies or tarts or anything. This isn't because I don't like them, I do, but because every time I indulge in lemony goodness, I feel rather ill afterward. I never equated this fact to a possible allergy until last night.

It started with lemon vodka shots, then lemon vodka drinks and ended with four hours of throwing up in Ryan's sink. Now, I understand what you might be thinking: that I just drank too much. This is definitely not the case. I started trowing up at ten thirty, only an hour after I started drinking in the first place. I honestly didn't drink that much in reality so the four hours of throwing up really didn't make any sense.

I got to thinking about all of this today and the last time I threw up from 'drinking' was also a night that I'd indulged in lemons and the throwing up lasted far longer than it should have. Anytime I've ingested lemons in the past year or so, they've made me sick to my stomach.

You may think that I just drink too much but I seriously think it's the lemons.

Instructions:
-List 10 things you love about yourself

-List 10 things that make you feel good about yourself/make you feel sexy.

-List 10 people (people you know or celebrities) that can lift your spirits.

-List 10 songs that make you feel good about yourself/make you feel sexy.

( ego boost time! )

It's really sad and likely reflects a lot about where my head is at that the source of my newly awakened inner activist is a result of shoe shopping. Now, I have heard of Tom's shoes before but it wasn't until today that I actually went to the website and saw what it is they do. I love shoes, I love Tom's shoes and I love them even more because of what they're doing.

If I buy a pair of Tom's shoes, Tom's sends a child in need their own pair to protect their feet so that they can walk further, so that they can go to school because shoes are essential to their uniform. In developing countries, parents don't have the money to buy shoes for their children and as such, the children (and the parents too) are at risk to get sores or cuts on their feet from all the walking they have to do and that just opens them up to all sorts of different infections.

My heart swelled when I watched the video, my eyes teared up. Apparently I only dislike north american children whereas I feel the need to help children in other countries.

This is definitely a cause I can get behind. Obviously not right away, because my financial situation is less than stellar, but eventually, for sure.

I am also very excited that they have Vegan Toms. Why should animals have to suffer when the organization is about helping?

Was not approved for loan, must contact father to convince him to co-sign

Will get paid tomorrow from job #1, will get paid on the 27th from job #2

Will be able to pay my rent and buy some groceries

Will not be able to pay phone bill yet

Will not be able to pay internet yet

Will not be able to see Jaytee, Morgan and Holly

Will not be able to see Bender and the Febs

Will not be able to buy anyone xmas presents

Will not be posting my xmas wishlist due to this fact

Nothing is working out for me right now. Nothing at all! This past weekend should have been all sorts of amazing but obviously since nothing is working out for me, it wasn't. As it turns out, the more I go to toronto to hang out, the less I actually want to live there. As it turns out, my life is kind of a mess right now.

Fuck.

Last week I applied for a bank loan so that I could actually maybe eat and afford my rent until I get my second OSAP installment in January. You see, I've been covering ALL of the bills at home because my brother and sister, who I live with, can't help me right now. Because of this, I went broke a lot faster than I should have. There's really no reaason for this to have happened but I can't let them starve, I can't throw them out because they're my family and I need to protect them. Combined, they owe me about $500-$600. If I had that money, then I wouldn't need to be borrowing money from the bank to ensure that I can pay my bills and my rent and eat. I barely eat in the first place, I need to at least continue eating the same amount as I do to at least survive. For once, I'm not exagerating. Due to all of this, I applied for the bank loan. Now, they said they'd get back to me within a couple of days. It's been over a week and I'm really freaking out.

Not only that but because of my apparent current poverty, I got another job. I've worked there only a few times bt already I hate it. It's not because of the job although it's really boring, but because my bosses are complete idiots. On my first shift, they told my my shifts thereafter and it was obvious that they didn't listen to me at all. For one, I wasn't in town this past weekend and they scheduled me for sunday. Now, I explained that I couldn't work that shift while one of the managers was holding the schedule and looking at me. They also scheduled me from 8-4 yesterday and I have class from 830-1230, obviously I couldn't make it. So my manager told me to come in on Monday instead of sunday and I thought all was well.

So I come in on monday and end up waiting around for a half hour because I wasn't scheduled at all. What the fuck is that? In addition, my other manager accused me of not even showing up for my shift sunday, which I told them more than once that I couldn't work. They also still had me scheduled for tuesday. I just about flipped out on them. I don't need the added stress of worrying whether or not I am missinga shift that I'm not even supposed to be scheduled for. I don't need that at all, not with exams coming up and with the three essays and a midterm I have all in the same week. I am too stressed already because of everything else to be worrying about all of this.

If the bank doesn't come through for me though, I'm not going to have a choice but to work this shitty job.

In conclusion, because of all of this, not only am I sitting in class freaking out and holding back tears, I can't go see Morgan, Jaytee and Holly this weekend and I can't go see the Februarys.

I don't even know what to do about this. I feel helpless and that just makes it worse.

brb- totally freaking out and being nervous

So a lot has happened in the land of Trista lately but I don't really want to get into a lot of detail.

This weekend I am off to Toronto to see Flyleaf on friday then cobra and versaemerge on Sunday. I was supposed to go to the OP tour in Pontiac too but Ryan's car is iffy and it was going to cost too much to rent one to go to the US. I am very sad about this.

I have given up on Johnny, that part of my life is over. I did some thinking and realized that I don't want to play games. I don't need that in my life and I'm doing fine alone, so why should it need to change because a pretty boy with a pretty beard made out with me? Nope, I'm good thanks.

I got a new job, I start tonight. I'm really nervous about it.

Next weekend I'm hoping to get to Chatham to see Morgan, Jaytee and Holly. the Febs are playing and that means Bender is playing. I miss him a lot, so seeing him would be rad. It all depends though, everything depends. We'll see what happens.

Within the last month, she's swallowed about four different liprings. I don't know how she's managed it.

Tonight is the night for the epic sad face.

So much awesome was supposed to happen tonight, forserious and now everything is shitty. So shitty in fact that I need to write about it, which is abnormal.

First off, I was supposed to hit up the campus pub for the Halloween extravaganza they are hosting in a sexy ass zombie nurse costume. Ryan was supposed to come with me. He bailed, I couldn't find anyone else to go with and I didn't want to go alone because I knew I'd never manage to find my other friends, ever. So whatever, that's fine. Just when I got used to the idea that I wasn';t going, I got hit with another bag of bricks, this one was far worse, though.

Jaytee and Morgan and Holly are not coming to the pontiac BLG tour. Fuck this shit forever. The show sold out before they got tickets. What the fuck is that? I haven't seen them since July and now I won';t see them for forever. In addition to this, Jonnie is also not going to be joining me in Pontiac for the same reason. I am so so sad right now because I was almost looking forward to seeing everyone more than I was looking forward to the show.

Lastly, Ryan and I tried all week to convince Johnny, my crushy-boy to come up to North Bay for my Halloween party tomorrow but it seems like that's not going down either. I also think I forgot my nurse hat in Toronto. Fuck my entire life. I just... I want something to actually work out for once. It seems like that's not happening though.

This sucks so much.

A. List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself.
B. Tag seven people to do the same.
C. Do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag "whoever wants to do it".

I was tagged by ashtastic_xx

1. I get attached very quickly. This goes for friends and boys. It can happen by just hanging out for one day, or even less really. I tend to always leave somewhere after meeting someone new thinking, i really hope i can hang out with this person again and then I inevitably screw it up.

2. My goal for this summer is to save up a buncha money and follow a band for the month of August. I'm hoping it will be the Cab because I love them so much but the likelihood of that is pretty low. I don't think Ryan can deal with following the cab for a month straight.

3. I want to get out of North Bay so bad. I know it's likely not true, but I feel as if this place is totally holding me back. I don't know what I can become somewhere else but I definitely feel like it's something more than I am right now.

4. I drink a diet coke every morning when I wake up. This morning there was no diet coke and I wanted to cry.

5. I've been partying too much lately. It's time to slow it down, refocus, become stronger for the new year.

6. I have met so many amazingly awesome people this year. SO MANY! And I lovelovelove you all! I've also had my share of drama when meeting these new people but it seems as though all of that is over with. I can't wait til November 14th when I get to see some of these awesome people. I love you all so so much!

7. Going to shows and seeing live music continues to be my heroine. I wish I could do it forever.

EDIT: I forgot to tag people!

I tag hippiemoose myownoddworld orestria katofantastic amadrabbit bluehippos and driftingsong

I don't know what's been up with me lately but something in my head has gotten fucked up. I need to refocus, I need something to take me and hold me or else this school year is doomed for failure. I need focus, if it doesn't come to me I will have to force myself. It's starting to look like forcing myself will be the way to go.

In other news, my crush that lives on the other end of the country wants me to come see him. He says he has loads of stuff to show me. I'm going to try and make this happen :)

So, upon the realization that school is upon me (I start thursday) I decided I should update. I haven't done that too much this summer but that's because this summer has been really freaking busy for me. So here goes, this will be loaded with pictures and awesomeness. Skip if you don't care hahaha

( Right now this town is for the taking )